Sta.sh
"Hope is a place,"
He said.
"Long-lost in the space
between stars and the skyline
Of cities,
so shadow-scarred and tarred
by trail-stretched wire
wound tight toward the horizon
That you can't even imagine
what love
we have lost
along the highway."
"Headlights
wax and wane a wash
against my windscreen,"
He said.
"They're waves
upon which I can watch
the patterns
of pressure-tides rolling on
as rush-hour reels:
broken wheels wrenched in a
stop-motion revenance
in red."
"We'll choke
cold
in this caldera,"
He said.
"Caught supine
beneath the saturnine
street-light,
and the fireflies
Cast ablaze
amidst the wreckage:
Sirens
will not save me tonight."
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Who saved the Sirens?
I enjoyed reading this, especially the tounge twisters you included. 'wax & wane a wash / against my windscreen' is my favourite tounge twister in this poem. I'm going to get a little nitpicky now but it is only my opinion and you can totally disregard this comment if you would like. The way you use '&' looks out of place and for me, is a little distracting. If someone does not know what an Ampersand is it may confuse them. I think it may be better to simply write it out as 'and'.
In the third stanza, you place 'highway' at the end. In the previous stanza's you compare where you find hope to the stars and galaxy. When first reading this it seems like it shouldn't be there because of the abruptness it causes to the images in my head. I do understand how it links to the stanza's following it so perhaps if you replaced 'highway' with another word that may fit and then place the word 'highway' in front of 'Headlights'. It'll help the transition of thoughts and images as to not make it as abrupt.
I do think that this poem will benefit by making the dialogue in italics because it'll give empathsis to what is being said and gives it a little bit more separation to the 'He said.'. I enjoyed how you repeated 'He said.' instead of placing different adjectives since this piece needed the simplicity of it. By keeping that little bit simple, it adds more power to the words. I do think the 'He said.' in the first stanza would fit a little better being placed on the first line of the poem because while reading it out loud, it sounds awkward on the tongue. The way it is written now does not read awkwardly when reading it in my mind so it is only a minor thing.
I really enjoyed the last stanza and how it tied the poem together very nicely. In general I actually like reading this poem and all that I have started isn't much of a big deal but I thought I'd share my two cents. Great job writing this
You are definitely right about the literature community being slightly ignored compared to categories like the Digital Art community but at least there are still people out there that appreciate literature and are willing to give suggestions to others in the community in order to better their art